This is a hard facet of our personality to confront. It’s ugly and selfish and narcissistic. Some of us resort to manipulation a lot, some occasionally…but all of us do it at some point. No one is holier than thou. From faking an illness as a kid or engaging in playground drama at Primary school to Sleeping With The Enemy tactics…it’s all part of the same spectrum.

I was an expert at faking sickness as a kid. From thermometers on the radiator (it explodes by the way) to mastering the best fake cough, I knew exactly what I needed to do to garner some sympathy and attention at boarding school. In my 20s, I had tons of toxic traits when it came to relationships. I was deeply insecure in all relationships - platonic and romantic - and so I’d instigate arguments as a way of making them prove how much they loved me. I’d exaggerate ‘issues’ to force them to prove how much they loved me. I wasn’t easy but I was also damaged and sad and insecure.

Through therapy, time and maturity, I’ve realised that my bad behaviour isn’t because I’m bad. My bad behaviour is because bad things happened to me. Or maybe not ‘bad’ things, but traumatic things, things that affected me. I’ve had to learn to be hyper aware of being clear as to whether I’m acting out of love or acting out of pain or trauma.

Occasionally, I still find myself wanting to act in a way that makes someone do something. I’m human. In other words, if I do/write/say/post A, then they’ll think B and then I’ll feel C. I’ve learned to recognise that’s not how things work. Nothing about that is genuine and even if they do act/say/do what I want, I don’t feel good about it because I know in my heart, none of it is real.

What I’ve learned is confronting difficult situations with the truth, with your honesty, may well end in sadness; it may end in a result that you wanted to avoid but it feels better in the long run. Honestly. Sadness, disappointment and regret are painful but powerful emotions meaning you don’t just handle them, but you learn and grow through them.

Manipulating people to your own ends may feel like you’re in control but actually you’re standing on the edge of a cliff constantly wondering what you can do to avoid taking the next step off into the deep abyss. It’s exhausting and anxiety inducing and never, ever ends well.

So when you find yourself hatching a plan, ask yourself this: “What if I just confront this difficult situation with the truth? What if I just lay myself bare, a bit vulnerable and ask them why they said what they said or did what they did?”

Do that and I promise you’ll get a result that blows your mind.