Circle.

Do you know where your ‘circle of responsibility’ begins and ends? Do you even know what I mean by ‘circle of responsibility’? I didn’t until I started therapy but it was a lightbulb moment for me so I want to share it with you.

Your circle of responsibility refers to the people and issues in your life that fall under your responsibility and it’s not a big circle. Chances are it’s far smaller than you think it is. Unconditionally, your children (if you have any) are the epicentre of that circle. Beyond that, it’s your choice. Did you hear that? It’s your choice. That’s important.

Marrying someone or committing to them as a life partner puts them in the circle but only partly. You’re responsible for yourself in relation to them - your actions and reactions to them - but you are not ever, never responsible for their happiness. That’s all on them. The same is true in reverse…if you’re waiting around for your partner to make you happy then you’re in trouble - you and your relationship.

The work you do falls into your circle of responsibility but the work your team, your boss, the company does absolutely does not fall into your circle of responsibility. If you’re picking up someone else’s slack then you’re doing three things: running yourself into the ground, planting a healthy seed of resentment and enabling them to relinquish responsibility. That story ends badly.

And your circle of responsibility doesn’t just apply to people but also to their emotions. Imagine the scenario: you’ve planned drinks with your friend and it’s been in the diary for ages. You’re both so busy so it’s hard to find a date but you managed it and it’s finally here BUT, you feel overwhelmed, stressed and you’ve had a really shit week. In this situation, do you ever catch yourself thinking, “So and so will be mad/disappointed/upset/angry if I cancel now so I’m just going to go”? Well that’s an unhealthy habit that you need to catch because you are not responsible for how so and so feels about anything. You are only responsible for how YOU feel. End of.

I think as women, we are used to feeling as if we should be responsible for people. I think it often comes via having children or watching our mums do the same thing. We seem to feel that the unconditional responsibility we have towards our kids must extend way beyond to our husbands, partners, girlfriends, relatives, work colleagues and it just doesn’t. It’s not about being a selfish dick - it’s about boundaries and its about recognising when those boundaries are being challenged.

Because, here’s the thing, if you’re usually someone who does take on more responsibility that they should then there are definitely people around you who are quick to hand that responsibility over; in fact, they’ll often search you out. Find the strength to turn them down - you don’t have to be a dick about it, but you do have to make sure the walls around your circle are impenetrable.