Sandwich.

Apparently, we are the sandwich generation. I didn’t know this and hadn’t heart this term until I talked on Instagram about being in a situation where I have to look after my parents.

I knew this day was coming, but I didn’t realise it would be so soon.

My mum has Parkinson’s disease and my Dad has just had a new knee fitted. He can’t get down the stairs and she can’t carry food/tea etc. up to him. It’s a bit of a clusterfuck to be honest and something that I wish we’d been more prepared for.

But try having that conversation with parents who are defiantly independent. For a while now, I’ve tried to talk to dad about putting a plan in place and figuring out what we are going to do and he’s just not been ready. This current situation has shown him that we do need to do that and so plans are being made.

But it’s a lot isn’t it? This situation is only temporary - eventually my dad’s knee will recover and he’ll be mobile again but my mum isn’t going to get better and, without making it all about me, it’s really fucking stressing me out.

And so, I find myself ‘sandwiched’ between my responsibilities at home, to my kids and my husband and my responsibilities to my parents. After a lifetime of having them keep me safe and protected, I now need to do the same for them. I’ve become their advocate not just for external parties, but also for themselves. I’ve had to make them see that the current plan isn’t tenable and we need to make some big changes.

It’s sad and painful for all sorts of reasons but not least because my mum thought their move to Devon seven years ago would be the beginning of her being able to relax and stop working and start travelling. Instead, Parkinson’s has taken that from her and I can’t help but feel she deserved more.

I guess what I want to say is this: this is all new to me. Until now my parents have been independent. I want to be there for them, but I’m worried it’s too much. I’m worried I’ll be stretched too thin. I don’t know how to break myself up into enough pieces to be everything I need to everyone that needs me.

It’s impossible - I know that - but somehow I still have to make it happen. So, to all of you out there who are facing the same challenges, it’s really fucking hard. I’ve only been doing this for a couple of weeks and I’m on my knees. Respect to all of you who have been doing it for longer, and continue to do it. You are spectacular. I see you.