One For All.

You know the bullshit we’re fed from a very early age that goes on about finding ‘the one’ and about how life is a journey to find the one person that makes us happy? It’s normally peddled to us through TV and movies, our parents, adverts…well, if you’re sat there wondering if the one you thought was the one might not be the one, then this is the letter you need to read.

Some relationships are wrong. Plain and simple - they just don’t end up working. Some relationships go through a few rocky patches but more or less remain in tact until the day they die. But most relationships are good with really bad times; they’re generally strong but have weak moments. They make pretty memories and have happy times but they also make us do and say ugly things and cry a lot.

If you are struggling in your relationship but wish you could make it work or make it better, then I have good news. Chances are you’re measuring it up against an unrealistic version of what we’re told the perfect relationship is. You know the one…where couples stay up late into the night, talking, laughing, drinking red wine and listening to vinyls in beautifully decorated homes. It, of course, culminates in a passionate love making session where he probably pushes her up against a wall, or throws her on the kitchen counter and they both come to a perfectly timed climax before they wake up the next morning looking impossibly well rested and don’t lost their shit with each other or their kids. They may send sexy texts during the day and bring home her favourite cheese because, well, does he even need a reason to show her how much he loves her?

They are each other’s person. They know each other inside out. They finish each other’s sentences. They have the same interests. They don’t like to be apart and they refer to each other as their best friend.

All lovely and fine but often not very relatable especially when you’re drowning in laundry, your bed sheets have been changed for three weeks, there’s weetabix on the kitchen table that you’re going to need to take a power sander to before you could even think of bumping uglies on there and the house looks like it’s been picked up, shaken like a ketchup bottle and placed back down with a bang. And then of course, there are the kids. You don’t feel like each other’s person or best friend but more like a roommate in some weird parallel universe where you’ve been sentenced to the mundanity of sleep, eat, clean repeat.

Here’s what I want to tell you, it’s ok if your relationship feels ‘less than’, especially if you have young kids. It’s not realistic to assume that a relationships you’re planning to maintain over many years, for the rest of your life, is going to be without its problems. It’s also possible that you’re expecting too much from it, or more specifically from your partner.

We’re led to believe that when we find the ‘one’ they will be our everything but that’s just not how it is. Imagine the pressure of knowing that you have to provide everything to another person. How many times have you heard, ‘S/he just doesn’t make me happy anymore?’ Well, newsflash: it’s no one’s business except yours to make yourself happy. If you’re waiting for someone else to do it for you then you are always going to be disappointed. If you’re relying on one person to provide you with all that you need, you’re going to be disappointed.

My husband doesn’t drink, party or eat meat. I do all of those things and I tend to do them with real enthusiasm and for the longest time we struggled because I felt we didn’t have anything in common. Through therapy I realised, I didn’t need Jimmy to party with me. That wasn’t who he was to me. He wasn’t my party buddy. We started going to parties knowing that he would leave when he was ready and I’d get a cab home later - no resentment, no judgement, just room for each of us to get what we need from where we can find it (my girlfriends, for example) and it became OK that that wasn’t each other.

All I’m saying is we’ve been taught to put so much pressure on the one person we end up choosing to spend our life with and, honestly, it’s too damn much.